Monday, March 10, 2014

Fifty Ways to [Not] Write Your Novel

“The problem is all inside your head,” she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically.
I’d like to help you in your struggle to be free –
There must be fifty ways to not write your novel....”
-- based on Paul Simon’sFifty Ways To Leave Your Lover via
1. Look up the proper lyrics to the earworm inside your head.
2. Alternatively, fit your own words to the earworm’s tune to fit a specific reason.
3. Check out tv shows you want to record on your dvr because you’re too busy writing to watch them while they’re on.
4. Delete shows you recorded but watched already while you were taking a break from writing.
5. Log in to Facebook - ‘nuff said.
6. Call your cousin you haven’t talked to in 25 years but just friended on Facebook.
7. Try to figure out Google +.
8. Tweet that you are #amprocrastinating and keep up with the conversation.
9. Try to decipher acronyms like FMTYEWTK, YOLO, NE1, UG2BK, DUST, DGTG, COS, NMP, Def
10. Log in to Pinterest.
11. Follow links to recipe for How to Make Homemade Doggie Deodorant.
12. Check pantry for ingredients. Remember you don’t have a dog; you have a cat.
13. Attempt to engage said cat in play. Or at least, to move off your keyboard.
14. Hunt down canned air. And the phone number to the Geek Squad, just in case.
15. Log in to email.
16. Delete without reading 9 out of 10 emails.
17. Read the remaining one, follow link, contract computer virus.
18. Wonder why the he** your computer won’t stop spouting audio commercials in the background.
19. Google “Why the he** won’t my computer stop spouting audio commercials in the background?”
20. Follow one of five hundred links to computer geek forum.
21. Read ten pages of instructions for removing virus.
22. Break into flop sweat and consider making the Homemade Doggie Deodorant for yourself.
23. Mess around with your security apps and different buttons on your keyboard that have pictures on them.
24. Reinstall what you just uninstalled.
25. Get college kid on phone to walk you through “Restore”.
26. Celebrate restoring/fixing computer with chocolate and a cocktail.
27. Remember the Great Chocolate Purge of Wednesday.
28. Remember the 5 o’clock rule and take a tiny swig of booze.
29. Swig some more – according to that little clock you just discovered on your computer, it’s actually 5 o’clock in Chihuahua, LaPaz, and Mazatlán.
30. Wander around the house, into college kid’s room. Read his favorite childhood book, Franklin Goes To School and think ...Never to come home again!
31. Tidy up and discover college kid left behind all the notebooks/pens/checkbook/B&N giftcards/self addressed stamped stationery/white socks.
32. Find Easter chocolate from 2012 hidden in back of socks drawer.
33. Scarf it down, then briefly consider purging. Chicken out.
34. Collect all the garbage around the house as fast as you can (10 calories burned) then haul heavy garbage can out to curb (25 calories burned).
35. Haul it back – pickup is day after tomorrow (25 more calories burned – thank God).
36. Remember Katie’s show is about chronic procrastinators who can’t get anything done and decide to watch it for “characterization research”.
37. Multitask: Cook brown rice the old fashioned way on the stove while watching Katie.
38. Realize nothing’s thawed for dinner and dig out UFF (Unidentifiable Frozen Food)
39. Microwave it so it thaws; discover it’s fish that’s about the same age as the Easter egg in the socks.
40. Fish + Rice = boring healthy dinner. Google Cheese Sauce recipes.
41. Burn the sauce because you watched Dr. Phil and forgot to stir because you were too busy picking your own jaw up off the floor and wondering what the he** people were thinking.
42. Return to computer for writing after inspiration hits between the eyes.
43. Pour out 1,000 words.
44. Edit until they resemble nothing like the story you set out to write originally.
45. Think about outlining the plot.
46. Think some more.
47. Remember the blog you need to write.
48. Read past blogs and wonder what to write about: conferences, volunteering, characterization, Mardi Gras, fixing the computer virus, acronyms.
49. Write about how you came to procrastinate away a perfectly good day of writing.
50. Upload to blog and return to WIP.
Can you add to the list? Another 50 items or so?


Rashda Khan said...

Love this! Thanks for the giggle :)

Pamela Mason said...

You're welcome Rashda! Thanks for stopping by.

Meda White said...

Haha- great list! I might add- run out for a gallon of milk and spend an hour in the dressing room at Target. Come home with one new dress and no milk. LOL

Pamela Mason said...

Hi Meda! Then comes the part where you have to run back out, or ask your husband, or son, to go make the milk run because...
Because You're WRITING!! With one hot dress on!

Suzanne Johnson said...

OMG, I swear I've done at least 45 of these. Off to check Pinterest now.

Pamela Mason said...

we lost Suzanne.... *sniff*

Ali Hubbard said...

So hilarious. At least it's not just me. #yolo! I need to add see what Jimmy Fallon ' s newest tweet request is. #misheardlyrics or #awkwardbreakup.

Sharon Ricklin Jones said...

Guilty as charged...

Larynn Ford said...

You've been peeking over my shoulder, haven't you?

Pamela Mason said...

ALI !!! No!!! Really??!
*running to twitter now*

Pamela Mason said...

I knew it Sharon. ;)

Pamela Mason said...

Larynn!! Not you too?!

Jillian said...

cute, cute. AND So true!

Cari Hislop said...

To add your brilliant list...

Spend hours scouring e-bay for affordable, but beautiful second hand 60 cm male ball jointed dolls that you know aren't there because someone with more money will have purchased them yesterday.

Find new ALL her books one after the other. Finish reading the last book and then silently rant for hours to the non-listening universe about the two huge irritating flaws that made it a four star read instead of a five star...and repeat endless oaths NOT to comment on the author's blog.

Find more books to read. And then some more. Then stay up all night reading one so your whole body clock is thrown off and you can't think clearly enough to write (or clean the house or do much of anything other than rant).

That sums up my week! :/

Ali Hubbard said...

To prove my fallon has #badspringbreak. Lolol. They are so funny

Louisa Cornell said...

My people !!! Good Lord, writers have honed the art of procrastinating to DaVinci levels!


Da Vinci! How can I work him into my latest Regency. Research. Must do research.

I'll be back. Probably. Maybe. Oh hell!

Pamela Mason said...

Jillian, Thanks for stopping by!

Pamela Mason said...

Cari, "Male ball jointed dolls..." ?
Okay... my mind's a blank.

Pamela Mason said...

Ali!! He's on my dvr now!

Pamela Mason said...

Okay Louisa... I can't wait to read this one.