Today, I watched as six people at the magazine I work for lost their jobs. As the rumors began to swirl this morning with the first layoff and with each one afterward, I was sure I was next. I even began to gather my belongings in one spot on my desk so that my exit would be swift.
I have had a Plan B since last fall, when the massacre --er, massive layoffs began. We lost more than 100 people between October 23 and December 23. I realize that in the big scheme of things that doesn't compare to what GM is doing or what AIG and other huge corporations did. But you know what? Even if it it's just one person begin laid off, it still hurts. It still scares the shit out of me.
But today I found myself thinking about Plan C. Which is my writing. A tiny glimmer of possibility fluttered around with the butterflies in my stomach. What if I lost this job? Could I really, finally focus on my writing enough to make it work? To make it my work? That shiny little thought kept me going through the day.
I am still employed as of this writing. And when we heard that the last people had been notifed and that there would be no more --today--we all breathed a sigh of relief and I felt the spark flicker and die.
Monday, I will be back at my desk with my nose to the grindstone, thankful that I have a Plan A job. Until perhaps, the next day. Maybe the spark of possibility will come back. Maybe it will become Plan A.